Welcome to my world

I do love how folks are going on and on about the social distancing and self-isolation. I have been living this way for 12 years now, and not by choice.  So aside from no bread or milk the bitching and moaning about the cautions being put in place only make me laugh sardonically.

My husband has been telecommuting or tele-working, howsomever you call it, for 12 years, so again, no change in our lives, welcome to my world.

The economic impact is very real and that disturbs me greatly. Not for my sake but for others who were living on the edge before all this.  And 12-Step participants – are they doing video meetings? And what of the people who don’t have the capacity to do that?

I am so socially isolated that since I deleted my Facebook account a week ago no one noticed. Well, one person mentioned via their blog that they couldn’t find me there to thank me for a birthday card I sent.

I grant you that I don’t really participate much on FB – I just go along my feed and click ‘Like” and move 0n – so it can be difficult to notice something is gone if you never really noticed it was there to start with.

Most of my quote/unquote FB friends are people I have never met and don’t really know.  I ‘met’ most of them, years ago, through blogging, but with one exception (2 if you count me) none of them blog anymore. They have lives to live – unlike me.

I’m sound like I am complaining but I don’t think that is quite the right word because my situation can be laid directly at my door. I allowed this to happen, ain’t nobody’s fault but my own.  It is NOT the way I would choose to live. I am not really an anti-social introvert.

I have always been happy in my own company, yes. I do dislike crowds, and yet I really prefer to live in large cities because – People! Large cities equal lots of things to do – out there in the world. Yet, I do need time spent in my own interior, solitary world. For the majority of my life I easily and happily had both. You can have both; you can be both – extrovert and introvert. It’s called ambivert, BTW and quite frankly I think most people are really ambivert – the middle ground where most of us reside.

The current health climate has only exacerbated my depression which is rooted in my isolation but also cheered me because now I’m thinking – “Ha – welcome to my world, now you know how I feel.” And that is just unkind because I wouldn’t wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy.

It has turned out to be the MOST gorgeous day.

It is currently 3:48pm and 80 degrees! !80! After an overcast morning the sun has finally made an appearance and the wind is whipping through the trees.

And that is the only sound aside from bird chirps and the occasional dog bark. It is SO quiet here. Lovely.  I like quiet. I am super fond of quiet.

Our apartment overlooks the rear entrance to the building and the parking lot. There is usually a lot of activity out there, if only from the delivery trucks and assorted contractors who are always working in the building. The parking lot is usually fairly empty of cars during the day, with everyone off to work and all – but all this week the lot has been chock-a-block with cars – I think people are afraid to leave not because of the virus but because they might lose a spot. (Gotta have your priorities, people!)

One would think that the delivery truck traffic would have increased but it hasn’t and I’m thinking all the repair/renovation projects have been put on hold.

I’m reading where people are still a bit tense and edgy. If I were, but I’m not, I think watching a kitty sitting by a window, having a bath, while the breeze blows the curtains lazily in the air, might be soothing.  And so I give you Miss Frankie Lulu Belle on a lazy Spring afternoon…

It might help you

but it annoys the crap outta me. All the happy horse manure is what I’m tawkin about. Just be happy. Decide to be happy. Turn that frown upside down. Don’t be depressed. Just be happy. Be grateful.  Bullshit.

You know what, even if I could, and I can’t (just ask the people who are taking happy pills and are still staring longingly at the knife drawer) and I don’t wanna. What I want to do is FIX THE GODDAMN PROBLEM.

My usual depression has, over the last few weeks, deepened to the point where I’ve been dangling at the end of the rope thrown over the rafter while I balance precariously on a wobbly chair.  That bad. It’s been that bad before but not for a lot of years – still.

(And, NO – this has jack all to do with the current world situation. Yeah food has been hard to come by but I’ve cut back on the whole eating thing so – hey, I already live in social isolation – so I’ll stay home, where would I go anyway?)

I reach this point when I can see no way out, no way to change. When my back is pushed so far into a corner the corner is closing in on me and I can’t even lift my arms to push away.

So yeah, ever been in that place? And was telling yourself to decide to just be happy an option? Did it work?  Or yeah, how about yoga – that’s another good one – maybe there is a form of yoga you can do hanging from a rope, or when you curled up in a mewling, puking, quivering ball on the floor – hey, you know, you’re already on the floor, right?  Meditation is another good one – if we could not think all these bad thoughts, if we could shut them down, space away from them, don’tcha think we would?

I don’t know about other people, but when I write, share however I’m sharing, these feelings, I am not looking for answers – I am simply looking to be heard and seen. I’m not looking for advice. If I want advice I’ll ask.

I have been passively dumping some of this shit on my ‘friends’ these past few days – ah, the temptation of social media.  Post some wretched depressive shit and then delete it. And maybe a few people read it and they are all “What-What?” And then they say “I’m here for you” except they’re not. They are hundreds, or thousands of miles away.

And then two things happened – someone actually DOES something – a small thing – from 3000 miles away – they send me flowers. I have been heard. I have been seen.

And the second thing is – I CAN make some of those changes – I have made them but now I own them. They are my new normal. I was explaining this, in an email, to the friend who sent the flowers and I’m just gonna copy and paste it here –

“I am feeling better because: After our shopping excursion I am happily committed to eating very little, only what I want, when I want. I love NOT cooking. I love NOT eating food I don’t want when I don’t want to. I love NOT having to clean up the kitchen. I love NOT sitting on an uncomfortable couch watching stupid tv shows.  For the past 5 – 6 days since I have sunk into this very deep and dark depression I have stopped doing all those things – and guess what I have lost 6 pounds and my blood pressure is normal, my hip has stopped hurting (stupid couch) and while my back always hurts, it is hurting a lot less – And then the kicker to the lifting – YOUR FLOWERS. So fucking perfect. 

I am once again re-inventing myself – I swear over the years I have had more alters than Sybil – I miss some of them – particularly one of my most recent – Margo Flutterby – I miss Margo but I couldn’t do right by her. So I’m back to Broadway Matron – not sure who she is but I’m comfortable with her right now. I’m keeping the name Grace because I love that name and I’m good with it – the rest of my names – pfft – I don’t want middle, birth, marriage names – none of them are me, probably never were. I deleted my facebook page and made a new under Broadway Matron – I have no intention of using it for anything except – I don’t know – looking at cute animal photos? 

Love you to the moon and back – (put me down in your practice book as a success story – you have no idea how much you have helped).”

BTW – My friend is a therapist, so the reference to her practice book…I think what I meant was her case files, but there you go.

Please understand this is NOT ABOUT YOU. This is about ME.  If you do suffer from depression and you are in treatment – that is GREAT.  Professional therapy is GREAT. Would that all who needed it could have it.
And for anyone else – just read my header…LOL

It just occurred to me

I was having an imaginary mental conversation with a nameless, faceless person and my response to whatever they said was “Oh you humans are so silly” And then I thought “Does that mean I am NOT human?” And that thought cheered me up immensely – that I think of myself as something ‘other’.
I’ve also thought that if I stop eating look how much time and money I will save – mostly time – no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning up – Wow – that would be wonderful – No more doing things I just hate to do! For years I have wondered why there is no instant food – or maybe a food pill – something you don’t have to even think about – pop a pill and you’re done.
I hate food and everything associated with it – but mostly all the damn time it takes.

Thissa and Thatta

~ This whole pandemic thing – it is the most fun I have had in a long time. Watching people get frazzled over something they have no control over and then acting like idiots – it is to laugh. And I do.

The grocery store/toilet paper/stress/anxiety thing – come on really? What people should get stressed and anxious about is not whether they contract the virus but rather how it is affecting their day to day living situation and ability to earn a living.

That does not include the speculators who bought up items the idiots think they need in large quantities and then sell it to them at outrageously inflated prices. These speculators are total scum. I read an article today where one guy is now stuck with over 17 thousand bottles of hand sanitizer because he had has nowhere to sell it – Amazon shut him down, eBay has also shut these folks down – Happiness is – watching someone choke on their greed.

I want to say “Use the common sense that god gave you” but we all know common sense is always in short supply, more so now than ever.  I don’t care if I get the virus, I DO CARE about NOT passing it on. My husband and I live in almost complete isolation already – once a week we go grocery shopping – and that’s it.  We have started to take a walk around the block each day – we meet no one on our walk. I think we are safe to continue that.  I think we are safe in general. I worry about the folks who are not as lucky as we are.

~ Sandra of Into the Light Adventures posts the most amazing photos, I am particularly fond of the bird photos, especially the eagles. Her post today reminded me that I haven’t checked any of the live eagle cams yet this nesting season, so I bopped on over to the American Eagle Foundation  web site live cam page. I watched an eagle feed his/her eaglets a nice fresh fish – I can get lost in time watching these live cams – eagles are so magnificent. If you click on the American Eagle Foundation link you can choose from several nests but I warn you, it can get addictive. We have no nesting eagles at the National Arboretum (my local eagle nest) but there are eagles in Florida and Iowa.

~ I’m getting distracted here because there is a boatload of blue jays chasing each other in and out of a huge holly tree outside my window. What is it with my fascination with birds?  We have a lot of crows here – crows are my very most favorite bird – it irks me sometimes that everyone is always on about ravens – crows are smarter! Yes, they are both corvids (as are the blue jays) but crows just have my heart and soul.

And hawks – and raptors in general. I think if I had a bucket list, hawking, just once, would be on my list of things I want to do.  There is a great book, called “H is for Hawk” by Helen Macdonald that I have read 3 times – it’s part memoir and part falconry manual.  I don’t know how interested you are in birds but this is a great read on so many levels.

Oh dear, oh dear look at the time – 5:30pm – I must be off to do my chores and then make dinner – easy-peasy dinner tonight – soup and grilled cheese. Nothing better than a good grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

Oh, wait, you know what else there is nothing better than? Buttered popcorn flavor Jelly Belly jelly beans – I finished mine yesterday *sigh*

Today was grocery shopping day

which always puts me in a bad mood because I hate grocery shopping and I hate the store I have to shop at (it’s the closest one, we don’t have a car and round trip via Uber comes to about $20 with tip. We’ve been taking the bus one way to save some money.)

Anyway, Thursday is Senior Citizen Discount Day, which is why we shop on Thursday, and the store is usually filled with old farts, like us, trundling slowly, and seemingly aimlessly, up and down the aisles. I don’t trundle slowly or aimlessly, so my patience wears a bit thin. Then the store is almost always out of the main things I need, like bread and milk.  Today the store was out of EVERYTHING.

The canned soup aisle? Empty. The pasta shelves – Empty. I didn’t go down the paper products aisle because I didn’t need any but I’m betting they were pretty much empty too. No milk – at least not quarts or even half gallons. I only use milk for my coffee so I don’t need anything more than a quart – so no milk for me.

My husband eats fresh baked bakery bread and he got his loaf of bread. I eat 647 bread – low carb, low calorie bread and the shelves were empty! BUT – there was the delivery fellow there and he said he had it on the truck and he would have some on the shelves in about 10 minutes. Yes! I thanked him and said I would be back. We finished our little bit of shopping, circled back to the bread aisle and – no bread. Damn! I waited a bit and chatted with another delivery man who represented a different bread line. He was charming and apologetic – why he was apologizing for the other guy, I have no idea. Anyway, I got tired of waiting (and waiting) and said “Oh well, I guess Harris Teeter wins again, no bread for me”. I thanked the man for the conversation, wished him a good day and toddled off to the check-out.

We were standing on the very long line when all of a sudden both bread delivery guys come up to me – the fellow who delivers my bread and the fellow who I was chatting with – I was offered my choice of white or wheat (I chose white) and I thanked them both profusely. Seems when the 647 bread guy came back, the other bread guy said I had been waiting and they both came looking for me. So Sweet. So Kind. Just made my day – Bless them both.

Now here is the other thing that had me laughing at the grocery today – the place was packed, at 11 in the morning, with 20 and 30-somethings. What the hell? Why weren’t all these young people at work? I’ll give you one guess. Yup, coronavirus stock-up. Either they were told to stay at home, or they opted to stay home, from work.  There hasn’t been a huge outbreak of the virus around here (but then again I haven’t checked the news this morning) and these young people aren’t the target population. All us senior citizens are, so this morning was probably not the best time for the young folk to be in close proximity to us – for our sake and theirs. Yet they were. And yes, every wagon was chock-a-block with toilet paper, paper towels and tissues. Also bottled water.

So – except for Miss Bitch at the cash register – I actually enjoyed my grocery shopping trip today.  Tomorrow is a Trader Joe’s shopping trip – I can only imagine what TJ’s will look like and I am now wondering if they will already be out of stock of all the things we buy – if so, I haven’t a clue what the hell we are going to eat for the next week.